Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Styleslut x Trapstar Present: ‘Broken Hearts & Hymens’ Week



February the 14th is a date that strikes fear and anticipation in many people’s hearts. Guys are worried about juggling their wifey’s, jump-offs and random fuck-buds, while the girls are busy thinking about whether they’re gonna have a date with an actual walking talking dude or a SKY+ remote. Date or no date, Trapstar and Styleslut have teamed up to bring you invaluable tips to make sure your Valentine’s is AWESOME. Welcome to ‘Broken Hearts & Hymens’ Week.

Why I'm giving up on women, forever (aka FUCK VALENTINES YA’LL)




I love women. They’re amazing. I mean, my mother gave birth to me - how could I hate her for that? But for some reason, every woman I've come into contact with has eventually turned out to be a harmful and toxic work of disfigured art. I wouldn't be surprised if hell was just a giant pulsating pussy with a clitoris that goes by the name of Lucifer.

Women tell you what you should look like. I think my jeans look fine, why should I wash them? You think I need a haircut, well I think you need a crotch-cut - how about that! You're not my mum and I wasn't in your womb for nine months, so unless you made that sacrifice, don't comment on what I wear. That line from the Rage Against The Machine song wasn't an 'anti-war' tirade, dude was just pissed that his chick asked him to trim his dreads.

Women don't like it when you look at other women. My penis is a machine that makes babies. Whenever I see something which can assist me in the baby-making process, it becomes rigid. This is because my brain is telling me the world needs more babies. And who controls my brain? GOD. Don't argue with him, otherwise you'll be burning eternally in that big red pussy I talked about earlier.

Women think I should meet their friends and be sociable. Despite all your foibles, I like hanging with you. When you're not moaning, we actually have fun. But add your friends to the equation and shit just get complicated. They start asking me questions about my job and how many siblings I have and what I'm doing over summer. If I wanted to have such shitty conversations with women I' would have joined one of those internet dating sites. At least then a blow-job from ‘Sexxxual Bunny23’ might be part of the ‘dull small-talk’ trade-off.

Women aren't guys. ''Guess what happened while I was driving home from work, baby? I made eye contact with a smoking-hot Cougar at the lights. She rolled down her window and invited me back to her place. Her libido was INSANE. We ended up…' Oh, hold up - I can't really have that convo with you, can I? You'll judge me and think I'm a sleaze. And you'll probably end up dumping me, too. BO-R-ING.

Women like going to amusement parks. I hate rollercoasters. They make me feel like I'm on one of those training courses that teach astronauts how to deal with turbulent conditions in space. And what's up with those life-sized fluffy animals? The only types of guys who enjoy going to places like this are guys who pretend to like them so they can fuck the girls who do.

Words: Donald Crunk


Simultaneously posted on the Trapstar Blog


Monday, February 08, 2010

Donald’s World of Crunk: FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE WORLD



I woke up today and I hated everything. I looked around my bedroom and I hated everything in it. I looked at my girlfriend and I hated her because she doesn’t understand me and she never cleans the bath after she takes a shower. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and hated it. My nose is too fucking big.

Today may as well be “Hate Day.” Here’s a list of other things I hate:


OPTIMISTS



Life isn’t amazing. People get cancer and AIDS and other diseases, and then they die. How can you constantly look on the bright side of a turd? Wake up and smell the shitty denial, you doofus. Your glass is half empty and the rest is piss.
_

KIDS


What is their purpose? Why are they here? You can’t hold a decent conversation with them and you’ll go to jail if you let one of them give you oral sex. WTF? If I had a magic wand I’d wave it so all the little cunts could disappear once and for all. I’d be like the Nazi version of Harry Potter.

_

FAT GIRLS WHO HAVE REALLY PRETTY FACES AND ONLY TAKE HEAD SHOTS FOR SOCIAL NETWORKING AND DATING SITES BECAUSE THEIR BODIES LOOK LIKE SHIT


Hold up, WTF just happened? I looked at your profile and I fell in love. I thought you were the most amazing woman ever. Your eyes are fucking amazing. They make me want to make myself throw up so I can grab a hold of my soul and show you all my aspirations, doubts, and fantasies. You tricked me, you fat piece of shit. That’s not cool.
_

POST-90s BLACK MUSIC

What was that? Biggie got shot!? And ‘Pac, too!? Fuck!

_

SEX


I’m so over it. The best part is when you break your virginity and the first year after that occasion, or when you try to make someone who doesn’t want to do it, do it. And no, I DO NOT mean rape. That couldn’t possibly be fun, could it? The older you get, the lamer sex gets. It’s just too much work. Girls always want you to give them orgasms and “rock their worlds.” I’d rather just jerk off. It cuts out the middle-man and all that “is she pregnant / do I have AIDS?” bullshit.

Words: Donald Crunk

This previously appeared on Street Carnage

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

DUDE, YOU SUCK



What’s happening here? This guy’s a lame. He looks like a gay drug dealer. What is he even talking about? Fuck lil B! Oh and skip to 4:35 ish to hear his take on the 'X-men' cartoon theme music. WOW.


Words: Doobie Wooobie Doo


Monday, February 01, 2010

Just a thought



I hate people who say 'never judge a book by it's cover'. Think about it - If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's not likely to be a cocker spaniel, is it? People who look a certain way can usually be slotted right back into whatever box they appear to have fallen out of. It's the way of the world, doggy. You could be all PC and believe that certain races, tribes and cultures don't act in a stereotypical fashion, but that would be a lie. You'd be lying to yourself and that would be stupid. Don't become a stupid liar - those types of people suck!

Words: Cornelious Bong
Pic: Ellis Scott

Thursday, January 28, 2010

This Sunday



Click here for a Bounty Big Chill mix