5 THINGS YOU COULD DO INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE NOTTING HILL CARNIVAL

WATCH PORN ON THE INTERNET

The problem with having sex with someone in real life is that they never live up to your expectations. You go out on all those dates and build up an image of how much fun it will be to have sex with them - but it hardly ever turns out the way you imagined it. People in porn never let you down; they always have the best asses, fuck faces, tits, dicks, reverse cowgirls and vaginas. And if they don’t, the right one is just a click away.

MAKE A BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND ROAST

Jerk chicken and rice and peas and curry goat and stuff are all well and good, but you’re British and Caucasian. Go make a roast and quit trying to be experimental.

CALL UP YOUR CLOSEST BLACK FRIEND AND TELL HIM/HER THAT YOU LOVE THEM

There’s gonna be lots of young black people in tight enclosed areas at NHC, which is great if you’re into petty crime and lots of attitude. Why don’t you try calling up that well spoken, passively calm ethnic who you work with and classify as a ‘friend’, instead? Perhaps you could have a conversation about the Arrested Development boxset.

UPDATE YOUR BLOG

Log into your weblog about ‘THINGS THAT UPSET ME!’ that you haven’t updated in months and um, write about stuff that upsets you, I guess.

START A BAND

The internet is full of people who give starting a band a big ‘thumbs down’ and maybe they’re better educated on the subject than I am, cos I’ve never been in one, but it looks like the most fun, ever. You get groupies, free clothes, blowjobs and lots of followers on Twitter. How is that not fun? Punk rock FTW!

Words: Donald Crunk

NEW RAP VIDS

Llyod Banks feat Llyod – Any Girl



This is like every other rap vid that’s ever made where a rapper and a r&b singer flounce around a house full of girls, weaves and STI's. There are no surprises WHAT-SO-EVER. In fact, there’s really no need for anybody to watch this all the way through more than once, unless it’s for review purposes or something. Oh and I’m still not convinced that Llyod Banks isn’t that porn star who once paid someone to take a dump on his face and tried to bail-out when the bill came. A 'dump & run' of sorts.

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Game – Cherry Kool Aid



This is pretty cool. It’s basic as fuck, but there’s a bit in the song where he keeps on comparing the taste of a woman’s – sorry, Baby Momma’s pussy to Cherry Kool Aid. The song and vid pretty much sucks apart from that, but there’s just something about that ‘Cherry Vagina’ line that drags it out of the gutter and turns it into comedy. It's like a scene from Curb plopped discreetly in the middle of a rap song.

Sidenote: Game’s career is over. Finished. Dead. KA-PUT!


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MIA- XXXO



Not technically a rap song, but it is directed by a rap-vid bro, so I guess it counts. A lot of H8tors be H8tin on the little azn ball of fun, but I’ve got more important things to worry about, like putting food in my fridge and looking good for dates and stuff. This is Hypes best vid in a long time and it’s like throwing a bag of social networking apps at a sales assistant working in a pound shop in Peckham. Yep, it’s that good.

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GUCCI MANE – Making Love to the Money




Strippers throwing money in each other’s faces, strippers workin the pole, strippers shaking their asses, lots of muff shots, strippers shaking their titties, all over Gucci print caps, ridiculous jewellery, bottles of champagne with the little sparklers on the top - Hold up, is Gucci Mane locked up? Who cares, I FUCKIN LOVE THIS SHIT. BRRRRR! FREE GUCCI!

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Tinie Tempah - Written in the stars



It’s good to see that people in the UK are starting to back their own artist’s, I mean, who would have predicted all these number ones and stuff five years ago? So, I guess it’s all about: ‘GOOOOO UK!', right? Eff Yeah! I just hope that all the white kids who are into urban musik at the moment don't get bored and move onto something else, because that really would be a depressing shame.

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VID OF THE WEEK: TIE - MIA / GUCCI MANE

Words: Donald Crunk

Ernest Estime

All photos by Ernest Estime

NEW RAP VIDS

WAKA FLOCKA FLAME 'FUCK DIS INDUSTRY': This is like one of those faux-lo-budget horror movies full of no-name actors that are made to look like they were actually filmed on a handycam by one of the no-name actors who star in the movie. Except nobody dies in this, which is a shame. FUCK DIS SHIT.

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VADO- 'SPEAKING IN TUNGS': Vado doesn’t look very thuggish. I reckon I could take him in a fist-fight. Or maybe I’d need to have some kind of small weapon like a staple gun or a saucepan and he'd only be allowed to use his fists. It wouldn’t be a fair fight - but hey, life’s not fair, is it, Vado? They filmed this video in Miami! Is that bald headed woman Amber Rose?

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Freddie Gibbs - Do Wrong Part 2 from Scheme Engine on Vimeo.

FREDDIE GIBBS - 'DO WRONG PT2': I tried really hard to watch this to the end, but it was hard. Did this guy used to sell drugs or be in a gang or something? I think he doesn’t do that stuff anymore, but he still remembers what it was like and he doesn’t like the way it makes him feel. Um, COOL STORY BRO.

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WIZ KHALIFA - 'NEVER BEEN': Lord, this is fucking depressing.

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KANYE WEST - 'POWER': Kanye, this isn’t even a video, you douchebag.

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RAP VIDEO OF THE WEEK: VADO 'SPEAKING IN TUNGS'

Words: Schlong Daddy Blame

HIP-HOP QUESTION OF THE WEEK!

Why does the 17 year old Swizzy look like the shrunken-head guy from Beetlejuice?